Category Archives: Silly Cants

Cant Be Bothered

Shit it.

I haven’t done a blog post update thing for over a month. It’s been so long since I logged into my account that I had forgotten my password.

After all that, I haven’t really got anything much to say. Might pop back later or tomorrow if I think of something mildly interesting or amusing, otherwise I’ll see you next month. .

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Three Little Things

… just a quick note about some words that have been annoying me recently.

I know that language changes over time, and I’m happy about that, really I am, but there are a few words floating around at the moment that I see a lot on twitter (and sometimes in texts) and those words REALLY piss me off.

1. Meh – anyone that uses that needs to stop being so apathetic, go outside and have some fun. Or failing that, just stop saying meh; it’s not big and it’s certainly not clever.

2. Fail – where the fuck did this one come from? All of a sudden it’s fail this, fail that,fail fucking everything. WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING FAIL? If you’ve just written something and you’re about to put fail at the end, or even if you’re discussing the recent ‘Facebook/Twitter fail’, please, do me a favour and don’t write fail otherwise I shall find out where you live, go straight over there and spit in your face.

3. Nom or Om Nom – this one really gets my goat . It generally appears on twitter and I every time I see I literally go mad. Literally. For two or so minutes I am in a state of delirium which years ago would have seen me committed to an asylum. As much as I hate the use of Nom or Om Nom, it’s made even worse on twitter as it’s usually alongside whatever the person has been eating or will be eating or wants to eat. If it’s got to the point where all you’re doing is signing into twitter to tell us all what you’re having for lunch or dinner or breakfast, do me a favour and fuck off. Or just eat less food and make less noise while doing so.

So there it is, rant over. Feel free to keep using those three words on Twitter, I don’t mind really and I hope we can still all be friends. If you do choose to carry on using them, please bear this in mind: each time you use one of those words and I see it, I will think slightly less of you.

Here’s a funny old sketch about word play – the picture and sound quality aren’t great but I chose this one because it’s got laughter and the video and audio are in synch – its quite long but worth it.

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Cant News

The news that Rupert Murdoch and his various companies are going to introduce charges for their various news sites has prompted me to write a slightly serious posty update thing.

In the UK the big three newspapers that will be affected by Murdoch’s latest scheme The Times, News of the World and the Sun, presumably Sky News online will also carry a charge but let’s be honest, who in their right mind goes to that site anyway?  Sweeping aside the inevitable ‘Murdoch should be paying me to read that shite’ comments, will this business model work and what implications does it have for us, the consumers?

Murdoch’s News Corporation has already lost at least £2bn this year, so he is clearly looking at new ways to make a few quid, presumably unhappy with the advertising revenue generated by his news sites. Online readers devoted to individual titles probably will pay to continue reading; whether that percentage of subscribers is enough match or even beat advertising revenue remains to be seen, but it is the loyal readers that will be the make or break of the new business model. Scoops and exclusive pictures might attract some subscribers but how long can those stories and pictures remain behind behind closed doors? With the stories, the answer is not very long. Whilst the Telegraph recently enjoyed day after day of exclusives with the expenses scandal, all the other papers were soon reporting the same thing – so if the Times has an exclusive story, will I pay to read it or wait until it’s reported elsewhere? The answer is pretty obvious: I won’t be paying. Exclusive pictures and our thirst for celebrity could prove to be a winner for cheeky old Rupert, but they will leak elsewhere online. I suspect that Murdoch’s legal teams will be hunting down all sorts of illegal activity but even they, with the full force of the Murdoch wallet behind them, will be unable to control the spread of an exclusive picture.

Another problem facing Murdoch is well illustrated by this article in the Guardian. You don’t even need to click the link to see what the problem is. So many people now share links to stories that drive up the web traffic for online newspapers – this will become a thing of the past for those sites that carry a charge.

Of course if this model is a success, other papers will follow – which would be a complete disaster. One of the great things about  news on the internet is the ability to compare stories, to got from site to site finding great stories, articles and features, one could almost say ‘surfing the internet’. Will we be doing this if all online papers introduce charges? No, and that result will undo so much good that has been brought about by the internet.

So what next? Encrypted radio stations? Where does one stop when it comes to this? Thankfully in the UK we’ll always have the BBC and whilst I’d hate to get all my news from there, at least I and others will be able to do so free of any charge. The spread of news should not be restricted to those who can afford it.

On the other side of things, I can sympathise with Rupert (although do slightly hate myself for it). I work (or don’t work as the case actually is at present) in the TV industry and understand the damage that the internet has/can do. Illegal downloads, peer-to-peer sharing of content that should be paid for – most of us have done it at some point – an odd episode of our favourite American sit-com, a dodgy copy of MS Office – this sort of thing means that ‘the companies’ have less money, which in turn means they’re not employing me. Is it possible to have totally free content? No, advertising alone cannot support it, we know that and I’m happy to pay for some content – but I don’t and shouldn’t have to pay for all of it.

Now that’s out of the way, here’s a funny video from a BBC Two series which shows us that the news is shit anyway, so why even bother. Fuck ’em, introduce the charges, I don’t want to read the horrible papers anyway.

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Cant Blog, Won’t Blog

“Start up a blog”, I said to myself. “You’ve got fuck all else to do”, I agreed. Turns out I was wrong and I’ve actually been too busy to post anything on here. To make up for it, here are ten things that have interested me or that I’ve discovered in the past week or so.

1. Deciding to clear out my old PC and transfer stuff over to my mac was a big mistake. Apparently it’s very easy to hook a mac up to a PC. Well I can exclusively reveal that it’s not – it took me 6 hours to get them to talk to each other, and a further 10 hours of sorting out files and folders. “Ooooh”,  thought, “it will speed up my PC if I have a good clear out”. It hasn’t. Waste. Of. Time.

2. I struggle at the best of times to direct @replies to the correct people on twitter, so coming back home at 2am on Friday night/Saturday morning I should have realised that it was not a good idea to start tweeting.

3. Saturday Kitchen would be better if James Martin were to go on a presenter course. Or just not present Saturday Kitchen at all.

4. I never want to cycle up Highgate West Hill again, only down it.

5. TNT Show on Channel 4 is *actually* the worst thing I’ve ever seen on TV and should be banned, despite it being presented by the very capable and talented Jack Whitehall.

6. If I have one more spam follower on Twitter I am going to personally hunt them down and spit on their spam faces.

7.Pausing halfway through writing this to check my e-mails and find a£286.88 bill from Vodafone was a silly thing to do as I am now on the phone to them having an argument and won’t be paying much attention to 8, 9 an 10.

8. At least Peter Andre is keeping quiet and not making a scene like that awful Price character.

9. I will give up smoking this week and update my blog more regularly.

10.  Vodafone are cunts.

This video’s been around for sometime but I’ve somehow only just seen it – the best cut of something like this that you’ll ever see!

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Journalist and Weather Cants

Had another meeting at the BBC today. I quite like meetings, they break the day up when you’re not working. Next week I’m going to plan all sorts of different meetings and appointments just to keep me going.

I want to talk about those journalist cants at the News of the World and the little pickle they’ve got themselves into over this phone hacking business. It’s about time these fuckers were made accountable for the things they get up to – especially after years of bashing us telly folk for being dishonest and faking a few competitions or rigging a few little votes on shit televisions shows which are forgotten about after a month anyway – journalists are WORSE than TV producers, they lie every day and rarely make front page apologies. TV people lie only a little (although I’ve witnessed some extremely dodgy lies in my time). Also, this is PHONE HACKING we’re talking about, not a researcher pretending to win a competition.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WEATHER? I got soaked today, twice. I hate it when the forecasters say ‘there’s going to be a lot of weather about today’… this doesn’t mean anything, there’s exactly the same amount of weather EVERY day, I just want to know if it’s going to be rainy weather or sunny weather. The other thing that those fucks say is ‘unseasonal weather’. It’s raining and it’s summer time – that, in my mind isn’t unseasonal, it’s like this every year. Each summer we have three of four weeks of nice weather, in our minds those hazy days go on and on, the reality is it’s wet and cold most of the time.

Apologies if you read this thinking it would be funny; I’m still wet from my cycling. Un-review of Loose Women tomorrow. In the meantime, here’s a sketch from a brilliant animation that the BBC axed.

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Cant Flu

Only a short post as I’ve had a shit day and can’t be bothered to write much.

I have watched a lot of news on various BBC channels today and I am SICK of hearing about swine flu. Why can’t they bring back Bird Flu? Not only did it sound better but it only lasted a few days because there were other more important news stories to talk about. This morning on BBC Breakfast (well it was midday but that’s breakfast time for me) they had LIVE interviews with correspondents in places like India and Spain with the newsreaders asking the most stupid questions and being met with even more idiotic answers “So, John, what’s it like on the streets of Spain?” – “Well Mildred, there’s no widespread panic or anything, people are just getting on with their lives as usual, although there’s been an increase in the sale of hand gels” – WELL THAT’S GREAT JOHN – I’m so pleased that you’re over there in Spain to report that fascinating bit of news back to us. “Alex, tell us what’s happening in India” – “Well Mildred, not much actually, we’ve only had 308 infections over here”. – THANKS ALEX, YOU DICK – thanks for taking the time to tell us that 0.000026742255693623104% (genuine figure worked out by me) of the Indian population have got the sniffles. WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT? It’s a bit of flu. Okay, so some people are dying, but no more than would normally die of flu. Do we really need moron correspondents stating the fucking obvious and whipping up the general public into a state of mass hysteria? The Government have re-issued some of their advice but have said the rest stands and that it is not confusing – and they’re right – it’s not confusing – it’s only been made confusing by cants at the BBC/Sky News/Daily Mail turning this into such a drama. More people will die on the roads this year, or falling in the home or masturbating than will die of Pig Flu. So just shut up and stop annoying me you news fucks.

Here’s a funny flu/cold sketch from Man Stroke Woman. I’m going off to take my Tamiflu.

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iTelephone and other things

I might get a little sweary in today’s post. Basically, all iPhone users can fuck off. I saw you all yesterday on the tube, with your fat fingers gliding over the soft surface of your shimmering tools, white earphones plugged in with the long bright cord dangling across your filthy chests. Well fuck off. Fuck off with your apps and your wireless networking gps touch screen nonsense. Just fuck off.

I am tied to a ridiculously long contract with Vodafone.

Did some filming yesterday outside the BBC. BBC security, if you’re not familiar with them, are *very* good at their jobs – so good in fact that at one point I wasn’t allowed in. A few years ago this wasn’t the case. I once managed to worm my way into the studios after a particularly drunken afternoon/evening and found myself talking to some lighting chap about lights in a studio that Cilla Black was filming in. I then got kicked out by a friend who found me stumbling around the set. I got the tube home, which took three hours as I fell asleep and woke up at the end of the line (it wasn’t my line). Tubes are bloody horrible things. I haven’t been on one for quite a while as I’ve taken to cycling. Why do the platform looker-afterers shout so much at people to move down? If they were a little more polite and less like Nazis I might listen to what they say. I nearly got up to offer my seat for a pregnant woman but after careful consideration I concluded she was just fat, and that by not letting her sit down I was doing her a favour as she’d burn more calories. Aren’t I nice?

Sadly I haven’t had the time to be creative and do another un-review (see earlier Dragons’ Den thing) or write something interesting, but will do so on the weekend. I might write about Casualty. Or maybe the lottery or something. I haven’t decided yet.

Until then, here’s Matt Lucas and his brilliant song about Lesbians.  If you haven’t seen it before you’re in for a real treat.

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