Cant News

The news that Rupert Murdoch and his various companies are going to introduce charges for their various news sites has prompted me to write a slightly serious posty update thing.

In the UK the big three newspapers that will be affected by Murdoch’s latest scheme The Times, News of the World and the Sun, presumably Sky News online will also carry a charge but let’s be honest, who in their right mind goes to that site anyway?  Sweeping aside the inevitable ‘Murdoch should be paying me to read that shite’ comments, will this business model work and what implications does it have for us, the consumers?

Murdoch’s News Corporation has already lost at least £2bn this year, so he is clearly looking at new ways to make a few quid, presumably unhappy with the advertising revenue generated by his news sites. Online readers devoted to individual titles probably will pay to continue reading; whether that percentage of subscribers is enough match or even beat advertising revenue remains to be seen, but it is the loyal readers that will be the make or break of the new business model. Scoops and exclusive pictures might attract some subscribers but how long can those stories and pictures remain behind behind closed doors? With the stories, the answer is not very long. Whilst the Telegraph recently enjoyed day after day of exclusives with the expenses scandal, all the other papers were soon reporting the same thing – so if the Times has an exclusive story, will I pay to read it or wait until it’s reported elsewhere? The answer is pretty obvious: I won’t be paying. Exclusive pictures and our thirst for celebrity could prove to be a winner for cheeky old Rupert, but they will leak elsewhere online. I suspect that Murdoch’s legal teams will be hunting down all sorts of illegal activity but even they, with the full force of the Murdoch wallet behind them, will be unable to control the spread of an exclusive picture.

Another problem facing Murdoch is well illustrated by this article in the Guardian. You don’t even need to click the link to see what the problem is. So many people now share links to stories that drive up the web traffic for online newspapers – this will become a thing of the past for those sites that carry a charge.

Of course if this model is a success, other papers will follow – which would be a complete disaster. One of the great things about  news on the internet is the ability to compare stories, to got from site to site finding great stories, articles and features, one could almost say ‘surfing the internet’. Will we be doing this if all online papers introduce charges? No, and that result will undo so much good that has been brought about by the internet.

So what next? Encrypted radio stations? Where does one stop when it comes to this? Thankfully in the UK we’ll always have the BBC and whilst I’d hate to get all my news from there, at least I and others will be able to do so free of any charge. The spread of news should not be restricted to those who can afford it.

On the other side of things, I can sympathise with Rupert (although do slightly hate myself for it). I work (or don’t work as the case actually is at present) in the TV industry and understand the damage that the internet has/can do. Illegal downloads, peer-to-peer sharing of content that should be paid for – most of us have done it at some point – an odd episode of our favourite American sit-com, a dodgy copy of MS Office – this sort of thing means that ‘the companies’ have less money, which in turn means they’re not employing me. Is it possible to have totally free content? No, advertising alone cannot support it, we know that and I’m happy to pay for some content – but I don’t and shouldn’t have to pay for all of it.

Now that’s out of the way, here’s a funny video from a BBC Two series which shows us that the news is shit anyway, so why even bother. Fuck ’em, introduce the charges, I don’t want to read the horrible papers anyway.


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Cant Blog, Won’t Blog

“Start up a blog”, I said to myself. “You’ve got fuck all else to do”, I agreed. Turns out I was wrong and I’ve actually been too busy to post anything on here. To make up for it, here are ten things that have interested me or that I’ve discovered in the past week or so.

1. Deciding to clear out my old PC and transfer stuff over to my mac was a big mistake. Apparently it’s very easy to hook a mac up to a PC. Well I can exclusively reveal that it’s not – it took me 6 hours to get them to talk to each other, and a further 10 hours of sorting out files and folders. “Ooooh”,  thought, “it will speed up my PC if I have a good clear out”. It hasn’t. Waste. Of. Time.

2. I struggle at the best of times to direct @replies to the correct people on twitter, so coming back home at 2am on Friday night/Saturday morning I should have realised that it was not a good idea to start tweeting.

3. Saturday Kitchen would be better if James Martin were to go on a presenter course. Or just not present Saturday Kitchen at all.

4. I never want to cycle up Highgate West Hill again, only down it.

5. TNT Show on Channel 4 is *actually* the worst thing I’ve ever seen on TV and should be banned, despite it being presented by the very capable and talented Jack Whitehall.

6. If I have one more spam follower on Twitter I am going to personally hunt them down and spit on their spam faces.

7.Pausing halfway through writing this to check my e-mails and find a£286.88 bill from Vodafone was a silly thing to do as I am now on the phone to them having an argument and won’t be paying much attention to 8, 9 an 10.

8. At least Peter Andre is keeping quiet and not making a scene like that awful Price character.

9. I will give up smoking this week and update my blog more regularly.

10.  Vodafone are cunts.

This video’s been around for sometime but I’ve somehow only just seen it – the best cut of something like this that you’ll ever see!

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Journalist and Weather Cants

Had another meeting at the BBC today. I quite like meetings, they break the day up when you’re not working. Next week I’m going to plan all sorts of different meetings and appointments just to keep me going.

I want to talk about those journalist cants at the News of the World and the little pickle they’ve got themselves into over this phone hacking business. It’s about time these fuckers were made accountable for the things they get up to – especially after years of bashing us telly folk for being dishonest and faking a few competitions or rigging a few little votes on shit televisions shows which are forgotten about after a month anyway – journalists are WORSE than TV producers, they lie every day and rarely make front page apologies. TV people lie only a little (although I’ve witnessed some extremely dodgy lies in my time). Also, this is PHONE HACKING we’re talking about, not a researcher pretending to win a competition.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WEATHER? I got soaked today, twice. I hate it when the forecasters say ‘there’s going to be a lot of weather about today’… this doesn’t mean anything, there’s exactly the same amount of weather EVERY day, I just want to know if it’s going to be rainy weather or sunny weather. The other thing that those fucks say is ‘unseasonal weather’. It’s raining and it’s summer time – that, in my mind isn’t unseasonal, it’s like this every year. Each summer we have three of four weeks of nice weather, in our minds those hazy days go on and on, the reality is it’s wet and cold most of the time.

Apologies if you read this thinking it would be funny; I’m still wet from my cycling. Un-review of Loose Women tomorrow. In the meantime, here’s a sketch from a brilliant animation that the BBC axed.

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Cant Flu

Only a short post as I’ve had a shit day and can’t be bothered to write much.

I have watched a lot of news on various BBC channels today and I am SICK of hearing about swine flu. Why can’t they bring back Bird Flu? Not only did it sound better but it only lasted a few days because there were other more important news stories to talk about. This morning on BBC Breakfast (well it was midday but that’s breakfast time for me) they had LIVE interviews with correspondents in places like India and Spain with the newsreaders asking the most stupid questions and being met with even more idiotic answers “So, John, what’s it like on the streets of Spain?” – “Well Mildred, there’s no widespread panic or anything, people are just getting on with their lives as usual, although there’s been an increase in the sale of hand gels” – WELL THAT’S GREAT JOHN – I’m so pleased that you’re over there in Spain to report that fascinating bit of news back to us. “Alex, tell us what’s happening in India” – “Well Mildred, not much actually, we’ve only had 308 infections over here”. – THANKS ALEX, YOU DICK – thanks for taking the time to tell us that 0.000026742255693623104% (genuine figure worked out by me) of the Indian population have got the sniffles. WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT? It’s a bit of flu. Okay, so some people are dying, but no more than would normally die of flu. Do we really need moron correspondents stating the fucking obvious and whipping up the general public into a state of mass hysteria? The Government have re-issued some of their advice but have said the rest stands and that it is not confusing – and they’re right – it’s not confusing – it’s only been made confusing by cants at the BBC/Sky News/Daily Mail turning this into such a drama. More people will die on the roads this year, or falling in the home or masturbating than will die of Pig Flu. So just shut up and stop annoying me you news fucks.

Here’s a funny flu/cold sketch from Man Stroke Woman. I’m going off to take my Tamiflu.

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Casualty Un-Review

So last night I didn’t watch Casualty on BBC ONE at 21.05… here’s my un-review of it.

Casualty’s longevity can be put down to its stunning cast and enthralling story-lines, combined with cracking special effects and a distinctly filmic look. It’s Season 23, episode 46 and as always the latest episode was entirely fresh and original.

The story centered around Charlie, you know the chap; average actor, always in Casualty, never even been given a bit-part in the Bill. It was early morning and Charlie was asleep. In the corner of the room we hear a noise and see a little flicker of electricity; it’s Charlie’s Teasmade kicking into action as it has done every single fucking day since 1986 when Charlie first appeared in Casualty. BUT SOMETHING HAD GONE WRONG. The action cuts to the night before and we see that Charlie had gone on a coke binge and had decided to hire a hooker – nothing wrong with that, you might say, BUT WAIT… when Charlie shot his load over the whore’s breasts, he accidentally caught the electrical socket next to his bed. The scene cuts back to morning and we see Charlie’s spunky socket create a HUGE but entirely plausible explosion when the trusty little Teasmade began to work its magic.

There was fire and all sorts, Charlie looked startled and tried to douse the flames with his tea, but to no avail – the tea had evaporated in the heat, Charlie, you idiot-head. The Fire Brigade where quickly on the sene, swiftly followed by the paramedics who came in a big shiny ambulance and took Charlie back to Holby where they cut off his leg for no apparent reason. Charlie cried a bit and all his colleagues felt sorry for him as he’d lost his house and everything, so they called up his dealer and ordered him a few grams, then the prostitute came back and gave Charlie a happy ending.

Once again, Casualty provided the licence fee payers with a solid night of quality drama on BBC ONE, and all viewers went to sleep content and totally satisfied with what they had watched. The same could not be said for those who experienced Totally Saturday earlier on in the evening; that really was shit.

And now for your Happy Ending: here’s a lovely little sketch from Big Train, arguably one of the more memorable from the series.

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iTelephone and other things

I might get a little sweary in today’s post. Basically, all iPhone users can fuck off. I saw you all yesterday on the tube, with your fat fingers gliding over the soft surface of your shimmering tools, white earphones plugged in with the long bright cord dangling across your filthy chests. Well fuck off. Fuck off with your apps and your wireless networking gps touch screen nonsense. Just fuck off.

I am tied to a ridiculously long contract with Vodafone.

Did some filming yesterday outside the BBC. BBC security, if you’re not familiar with them, are *very* good at their jobs – so good in fact that at one point I wasn’t allowed in. A few years ago this wasn’t the case. I once managed to worm my way into the studios after a particularly drunken afternoon/evening and found myself talking to some lighting chap about lights in a studio that Cilla Black was filming in. I then got kicked out by a friend who found me stumbling around the set. I got the tube home, which took three hours as I fell asleep and woke up at the end of the line (it wasn’t my line). Tubes are bloody horrible things. I haven’t been on one for quite a while as I’ve taken to cycling. Why do the platform looker-afterers shout so much at people to move down? If they were a little more polite and less like Nazis I might listen to what they say. I nearly got up to offer my seat for a pregnant woman but after careful consideration I concluded she was just fat, and that by not letting her sit down I was doing her a favour as she’d burn more calories. Aren’t I nice?

Sadly I haven’t had the time to be creative and do another un-review (see earlier Dragons’ Den thing) or write something interesting, but will do so on the weekend. I might write about Casualty. Or maybe the lottery or something. I haven’t decided yet.

Until then, here’s Matt Lucas and his brilliant song about Lesbians.  If you haven’t seen it before you’re in for a real treat.


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Adult Entertaining Cant

So yesterday I got my first taste of the world of Adult Entertainment, and what a taste it was.

My friend Mike and his mate invited me to help out at a casting and I met a real life porn star. Well maybe not star…hmmm trying to think of other space analogies… black hole? No, that’s wrong on many levels… she’s a glamour model I suppose. Amazingly (or perhaps not), she was just a ‘normal’ person: privately educated, degree in business and a great pair of breasts. She enjoys the work she does and has big plans to start up her own fashion house one day, something I believe she probabl will achieve in a few years time. It was all very interesting and I now aspire to becoming a Porn King one day: sex sells and I want a bit of it (the money)…(and the sex actually).

Had to do some filming in the afternoon, ended up not at Television Centre but in Hammersmith. Hammersmith, if you don’t know it, is a hole, and standing there with a strapping young camera man with a big boom (not talking sex anymore) attracted all sorts of nutters. Cameras are nutter magnets, it’s as simple as that.

I wanted to un-review another programme but haven’t had time to even think about it, let alone not watch it. I will do one tonight.I am also going to think of other things to write about. Talking about me all the time is a little boring.

In the meantime, here’s a funny video which provided me with the inspiration for the previous post’s title:

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