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Casualty Un-Review

So last night I didn’t watch Casualty on BBC ONE at 21.05… here’s my un-review of it.

Casualty’s longevity can be put down to its stunning cast and enthralling story-lines, combined with cracking special effects and a distinctly filmic look. It’s Season 23, episode 46 and as always the latest episode was entirely fresh and original.

The story centered around Charlie, you know the chap; average actor, always in Casualty, never even been given a bit-part in the Bill. It was early morning and Charlie was asleep. In the corner of the room we hear a noise and see a little flicker of electricity; it’s Charlie’s Teasmade kicking into action as it has done every single fucking day since 1986 when Charlie first appeared in Casualty. BUT SOMETHING HAD GONE WRONG. The action cuts to the night before and we see that Charlie had gone on a coke binge and had decided to hire a hooker – nothing wrong with that, you might say, BUT WAIT… when Charlie shot his load over the whore’s breasts, he accidentally caught the electrical socket next to his bed. The scene cuts back to morning and we see Charlie’s spunky socket create a HUGE but entirely plausible explosion when the trusty little Teasmade began to work its magic.

There was fire and all sorts, Charlie looked startled and tried to douse the flames with his tea, but to no avail – the tea had evaporated in the heat, Charlie, you idiot-head. The Fire Brigade where quickly on the sene, swiftly followed by the paramedics who came in a big shiny ambulance and took Charlie back to Holby where they cut off his leg for no apparent reason. Charlie cried a bit and all his colleagues felt sorry for him as he’d lost his house and everything, so they called up his dealer and ordered him a few grams, then the prostitute came back and gave Charlie a happy ending.

Once again, Casualty provided the licence fee payers with a solid night of quality drama on BBC ONE, and all viewers went to sleep content and totally satisfied with what they had watched. The same could not be said for those who experienced Totally Saturday earlier on in the evening; that really was shit.

And now for your Happy Ending: here’s a lovely little sketch from Big Train, arguably one of the more memorable from the series.

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